Friday, April 20, 2007


I was recently with someone who ducked out of sight when she saw someone walking in our direction. This is such a strange thing to see happening before ones eyes; finding it easier to hide than to deal with the person approaching.

We’ve all done it, I’m sure, but one must admit that it is an odd thing. I’ve either gotten to the point where I no longer need to avoid anyone, or I’ve gotten really good about getting away once I’ve been engaged.

This got me thinking about a woman who stalked me once. I call her “Miss God Bless You.” She got this name because she knew that I was not only an Atheist, but I also hated Christmas, yet she sent me a Christmas card that said, “May God Bless You on This Most Holy Holiday.” To make it easier I will address her as MGBY.

MGBY knew my schedule. She knew where I worked, when I got up, when I went to sleep, when I’d be cycling or skiing, the places where I’d dine and drink. She would show up where ever I was. To make matters worse she was a flight attendant for TWA. I would go on a trip and she would be at my destination. Imagine deplaning in Hawaii, and there is MGBY throwing a lei over your head.

She would show up every where before I got there, or she would cruise a hundred miles a night looking for me at my regular haunts. I just couldn’t stand it.

I was reminded of Richard Brautigan’s character in the book, In Watermelon Sugar. In the book he would hide when he heard Margaret’s footsteps on the bridge to his home. It seemed that there was a loose board and Margaret was the only one to step on that board and it would squeak. In my case MGBY had a car that sounded like no other. It was the muffler that just didn’t sound like a normal car normal. It’s like you know how a saxophone sounds, and when you hear Ornette Coleman play the saxophone it sounds different, like his sax has an accent or something where the notes come more from the throat of the instrument. Her muffler sounded like Ornette Coleman’s saxophone.

One day I was reading and I heard her car pull up. My doors weren’t locked and I didn’t have time to lock them and not be noticed. I just couldn’t bear seeing her so I ran downstairs and locked myself in my darkroom. It was easier to sit in there as she waited for me to return than it would have been to have another conversation with her. I heard her foot steps above me. I then wondered how long she could wait. Fortunately it was only about ten minutes. She then probably figured I went out for a walk and probably cruised my walking route to look for me.

When I heard her pull away I bolted, and locked the doors and got in my car and drove off to dinner.

At that time I hung out with a bunch of musicians. They were adventurous free thinkers, somewhat androgynous. They even wore man clogs. Once they were over visiting one evening, and as they were leaving MGBY pulled up. I saw an opportunity.

As she ascended my front stairs I asked my friends to play along. I said goodbye to each of my friends with a hug and a peck on the cheek. I could see the shock on her face.
“Now I understand,“ she said breaking into tears as my friends drove off. “You’re gay!”
I wasn’t gay, yet I said nothing.

She left and never returned. I had my life back and I never got another Christmas card from her again.


Blogger Donna said...

Somehow I can relate to the person who ducked out of sight. It rather ties in with my Blogger entry today.

7:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Friends don't allow friends to duck out or hide from wanna-be friends trying to be friendly. I have only been known to duck out on relatives (a long time ago anyway)that I would rather not be yakked to by and be regaled with stories of their latest ailments or their friends's ailments as well.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Well, that was an easy out re: MGBY.
Guess you wished you'd thought of that sooner.

I rarely "duck" - but when I don't, I usually wish I had.

10:39 AM  
Anonymous THartill said...

I've been doing that also! It works so well! If a girl is bugging me I just politely say..."I'm Gay".

12:38 PM  
Blogger Jaggy said...

I've found that doing the same things back to someone that they're doing to you is pretty effective.

1:01 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Donna, I hear you. We share the motto, "One thing I mate more than being alone is being with people."

Anon, that's cold even by my standards.

Beth, it was a goo thing she wasn't into that sort of stuff.

TH, careful, see my reply to Beth.

Jaggy, I'm sorry to say this, but I could picture you being a stalker, but I guess as long as you have someone named Chris in your life you'll keep that sort of behavior in check.

3:18 PM  
Blogger Jaggy said...

Define "stalker..." And NO, I do not need any more "Chris" people in my life.

4:51 PM  
Anonymous TH said...

Keep on Jaggy guy.....

It'll make my snarky-ness seem tame!

And maybe I won't get into as much trouble.....

5:39 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

How about obsessive?

4:49 AM  
Blogger Amaya said...

I've had stalkers in my life before, but none that traveled to my destination before I got there. That is insane! Was she trying to convert you? Or hit on you? I couldn't tell.

1:35 PM  
Anonymous gearhead said...

Oh, well,, thanks for posting this all over the internet, Guy.
And thanks for not clueing me in years ago about this when I bought her the ring.
OOOPS!! Here she comes, Here she comes. Gotta go.....

10:01 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Amaya, she was totally in love.

Gearhead, you've got a different one. MGBY died ten years ago.

7:10 AM  

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