Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Oh Canada

I am a big fan of words, and I’ve always found that people who are new to the English language learn the vulgar tongue more quickly. This rule should apply to all languages.

If you are one who reads the comments that are posted by the readers of this blog you may remember some postings between your humble narrator and Moosehead last week. It digressed to a point where I tried my best to say “Fuck You” in my unqualified understanding of Canadian French. I didn’t hear from Moosehead for a couple days and I wrote him to make sure I didn’t offend him. I don’t have a quota on offending people, and I’d rather not offend if at all possible.

Moosehead replied:
Nope - no anger or hurt feelings here! To tell you the truth, that one went way over my head and did not get it!! I chalked it up to you making some obscure reference again and hesitated in asking an explanation. So what is Fou quah? Fou is crazy in French but the quah sounds kinda like Vietnamese? Shed some light here please so I can at least pretend to be upset!

I replied to tell him my understanding of Fou Quah.

To which he replied:
As strange as it sounds, there is no translation for the f off expression that convey the same sentiment without any need for repetition. So as a public service I will share some of them.
- Va shiez une brique -pronounced Vah she-eh n brick meaning go sh-t a brick and used when expressing disbeleif or to tell someone to f off. It's all in the tone!
-Mange la chalice de marde -pronounced monge la (as in tra la la) kaliss dah mard (as in Mardi Gras) meaning eat sh-t and incorporating a symbol of the Catholic church for good measure and added effect. Can be used pretty much in any situation other than when confessing to the priest or when talking to your mother. Used in conjunction with "mon tabernacle" pronounced mont (without the t) tahbearnack to double the religious impact and to direct it to someone in particular.
I think someone back in your youth was messing with you. Us French guys do that some times - like in the movie In search of the Holy Grail by Monty Python. Remember the French guys in the fortress and the pigeon?

My Reply:
Yep, leave it to the Canadians to be too polite and verbose to be able to blurt out a simple "fuck you!"

I must say that I love Canada. If I were to do my migration all over again I would probably move to Vancouver Island instead of Oregon. I may still move there after I retire. Maybe I’ll teach the Canadians the value of a simple invented phrase like, “ Fou Quah.”


Anonymous portosan said...

The Canadians are far too quiet up there in my oppinion.

I mean, you have to ask yourself
"what are they up to?"

I read on another blog recently that there is reason to believe that
Canada has been enriching maple syrup and that there is hard evidence to support this.

Apperently satalite photo's
show that they have kegs of the stuff. They have been seen moving it around
in trucks, warehousing it. WHY???

You may be able to fool the rest of the world Canada, what, with your socialised health coverage,
forest products and bacon.

But I am not fooled.
I'm watching you Canada.

12:21 PM  
Anonymous Moosehead said...

Oh great! My 15 minutes of fame on the guy's blog and it has to be for teaching French vulgarities complete with pronounciations. My mom would have been so proud of me!!

Sorry guy - our quota of Mericans has been filled since the painful Vietnam days. Those fellas came up here and stole all our hot chicks. We even had to turn down Madame Rice's application for refugee status - it was denied on compassionate grounds. There is a chance you could get in on the endangered species list though. The clogs would help but most of the clog wearing dudes head to trendy cities like Ottawa where there is lots of hot air (like Washington DC) and less ankle biting flies. Oh yeah...frostbite could be a problem during a warm summer. Sorry - oops, there I go again-I hate having these apolegetic genes in me. I guess that's why we love hockey so much - all pretense of politeness falls by the wayside when we put our skates on and our heroes are players like Gordie (the elbows) Howe and his hat tricks. For the uninitiated, a hat trick is three goals at which point hats are thrown to the ice no matter how cherished the hat is. Now a Gordie Howe hat trick is one goal, one fight and a game misconduct. Yeah!! Beware the Birkenstock bros!!!

Now Portosan...I don't know what to say. We're just hoping that our maple syrup doesn't end up on Bush's weapons of mass destruction list. You know what they say about sleeping with an elephant - you have to really pay attention when they decide to roll over! I have started a chapter of the Annex Oregon as the Eleventh province - we need the lumber and the land for pot plantations and besides, with all you clean living west coasters, the health care system here wouldn't even notice. There is a downside though to these efforts as I expect the San Andreas fault to give way any time now. I can just see Annette Funicello screaming joyously Surf's Up!

1:22 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Maple syrup is screwed. I don’t blame them for enriching and hoarding it. Somehow the syrup lobby never grunted a peep when high fructose corn syrup with maple flavoring was allowed to be labeled as “Maple Syrup.” The Canadians are waiting for a global corn blight and then they will have us by the short hairs.

I don’t mind them having at least some national security issues. They have to have something, and at least they are quiet neighbors, not like Mexico with that damn boarder radio. I kind of wish Canada would crank up their radio power, they have good programming.

Ottawa? No, not for me, too boring, but it is close to Buckingham. Quebec City maybe; Victoria definitely! No frostbite there or black flies, and lots of glorious rain.

I checked into the migration policy and it stated that migrants must have something to offer, either a profession or money. My profession is “wise-ass”, which they could certainly use more of.

As for the annexation, no problem. Though San Andres is a bit south of us, however we do have something nasty cooking off the coast in the subduction zone, but anything 50 feet above sea level will be safe.

As you know I’ve already put in my idea to go metric http://astoria-rust.blogspot.com/2006/07/dried-fish-metric.html

2:46 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Their not messing with Labatt beer, right? Maple syrup smaple syrup, give me my beer. Oh and hockey.,

4:31 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Moosehead, should Zoe be concerned?

5:15 PM  
Anonymous Moosehead said...

Relax Zoe - worry pas (pronounced paw meaning not). Nobody would dare mess with our beer. Now hockey is another matter...too many franchises in the U S diluting the talent pool. Send back the Dallas Stars to Quebec city and how about the Minnesota North Stars after they packed up and left Winnipeg...Damn!

9:11 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

I hear you on the hockey.

6:11 AM  
Anonymous THartill said...

Isn't the word "Fou Quah" in a Cheech and Chong movie?

5:14 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Dang, I was too stoned back then to retain anything. Any scholars of stoner culture out there?

6:03 PM  

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