Thursday, September 27, 2007

What's Eating Me?

OK, I keep getting emails and phone calls asking why I don’t like eating in public. Here goes... To me, a human eating is as disgusting to watch as any human body function. I don’t want to see it go in you, and I don’t want to see it come out of you. Stuffing food into one’s mouth, even if they are small bites can be as visually sickening to me as the photos I use on my sick day posts. I even get sickened from seeing the angelic character in the commercial stuffing a bagel with cream cheese into her mouth. It sticks to her lips and I just want to puke...

Just think of seeing half masticated food rolling around in someone’s mouth, or spinach stick to someone’s teeth. Sure genteel people try to eat with their mouths closed, but they have to open up to take the next bite and there is always something lurking waiting to be seen.

So yes, I am projecting here, but I don’t like eating in public so as not to gross anyone else out because I think that everyone must be at least as neurotic as I am. They probably aren’t, but I like to think they are.

So in conclusion, I don’t care how good looking someone may be; they don’t look good eating… or wearing leather pants for that matter. I don’t want to see anyone eat, nor would I want to see them take a dump. It’s all related in my head.

There’s the explanation. Are you happy? Get over it and don't suggest therapy. I know you rat bastards are thinking it.


Blogger Auntie said...

Okay Guy, thanks for filling us all in. I just have one question.... Have you always felt this way? And what do you do when you are forced to dine with your family?

6:13 AM  
Blogger Auntie said...

crap, that was 2 questions. Mea Culpa.

6:14 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Hey, I kinda like being referred to as a rat bastard. Truly. (Am I neurotic?)
Therapy? Hell, no. I live with my neuroses, you're entitled to yours. They make us all unique.

Great picture - how could you stand even looking at it?

6:24 AM  
Blogger Hahn at Home said...

Wow, something I'd never contemplated. Now, I just can't watch my kids eating their cereal anymore. Ew.

6:55 AM  
Blogger OC Mama said...

So do you eat all alone when you're at home too?

8:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

couldnt agree more...the next worse thing to watching a perfect stranger stuff his cakehole in person is suffering through a tv commercial in which the participants are consuming mass quantities of the slop du jour and emoting their enjoyment. They make Karen Carpenter look downright appealing.

9:53 AM  
Anonymous walter richards said...

So ... I guess you don't watch Top Chef, eh? lol.

I can't stand when someone's jaw pops constantly when they're chewing. If your jaw pops in and out of its socket when chewing, get it fixed!

Nor can I stand when it sounds like they're chewing gum.

'Course, my family has those "problems". Which is one of the reasons I hate going for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. And I swear my brother, knowing how much I hate those noises, goes out of his way to make them.

10:44 AM  
Blogger : JustaDog said...

Think that's gross? Try watching a FAT girl with food oozing out her mouth and a cigarette in her other hand - all while she's waddling to the social services door!

1:23 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

I feel vindicated. It is always so funny when I feel like I'm exposing a raw nerve to you people and many of you come back with the same feeling.

When eating with others I avert my eyes, but normally I do eat alone or if we eat together we both read.

Justadog? Thanks for checking in Lars.

4:51 PM  
Blogger Auntie said...

Now it all makes sense. Love Anon, we should have compared notes before now.

He seated me to the side, so as not to look at me while eating the delicious pizza he made. He averted his eyes the whole time, looking ahead while he chewed. The whole time I was thinking....something is going on here....something is...not...right. And when I got home it dawned on me. I SAW GUY EAT!!!!! What a dubious honor. And with his full description here of his "affliction" a nice evening of a meal with my best friend has now been sullied and cheapened with this confession of his. If only he had shared this before hand I would have said no thanks when he offered dinner in exchange for the week of taxi service, I would have been happy with just a hug and some of the tomatoes out of his greenhouse.

5:40 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

If there are doubters...I suggest a visit to Piccadilly, or your local equivalent. It will totally back up everything Guy asserts.

7:03 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Syd, what the hell was that link? I ended up in the Netherlands at a site that looked it was designed by Kraft Werk... Those goats are getting to you, girl!

10:23 PM  
Anonymous gearhead said...

I don't get it.

10:32 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

LOL. I was reading email and blogs at the same time. I love a good shaming, and that's what was on the video. They taped the guys face up while he was passed out.

Sorry. Meant to link to this:

10:15 AM  
Anonymous Bayou said...

Guess you don't want to do lunch sometimes then, eh?

11:36 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Can I wear a welding mask?

12:39 PM  
Blogger Mom of Three said...

Hee hee...I just pictured Guy in that Hannibal Lecter mask at Pig and Pancake...

Eating is gross. I know we try to church it up, but it's just gross. I had this fat grandmother who would take her teeth out at dinner and set them next to her plate, then gum while talking the whole meal through. I grew up wanting to puke. Shit flew everywhere.

4:33 PM  
Anonymous Lachlan said...

Guy, I am not entirely with you, but I have a similar issue:

My Dad, who thought this was ENDLESSLY entertaining, would purposely make excessively loud chewing or eating sounds because it would make me SHRIEK for him to stop.

To this day, I get totally disgusted by anything similar, especially if intentionally done. And to this day, I am remarkably not on probation for beating the hell out of someone tormenting me.

1:58 PM  

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