Thursday, November 29, 2007

Heaven (For Me)


So let’s say there really is a Heaven. Everyone has a very personal idea of what Heaven will be to them. Let’s face it, won’t you be disappointed if you hoped Heaven would be as you imagined it and then you come to find out that it really is people on clouds playing the harp for eternity?

So here is my vision of Heaven if there really is one and if I’m actually going:

Fishing will be logical and make perfect sense.
Loud noises will be banned.
Recreational drugs will be free, legal and non addictive.
All music and entertainment will be free and instantly available.
There will be no laugh tracks on television.
People I don’t like will have to wash my truck.
Urinal cakes will smell like fresh fruit.
Postal, UPS and FedX deliveries will always arrive by 9:00AM.
Four-hour erections are normal and don't mean a consultation with a doctor.
Everything will be recycled into thin air.
Breakfast will always be a large meal and really good for you.
There will be one meal a day totally dedicated to the consumption of cup cakes.
Literary agents will seek out writers.
All ads on television must be funny or visually stunning.
Chocolate Chip cookies without the chocolate chips.
Cell phones that don’t sound like you are phoning from the Moon.
There will be absolutely no Blue Tooth devices, ever. Cells are bad enough and then Blue Tooth comes along and sets any progress in better sound back twenty five years.
WiFi.
The Soprano’s will need to keep redoing the ending until there is closure.

13 Comments:

Blogger Hahn at Home said...

I couldn't have said it better myself. Except that erection thing. And if you get there and you do get that Sopranos ending, please send a message.

5:50 AM  
Anonymous nemo said...

"If you believe in forever
Then life is just a one-night stand
If there's a rock and roll heaven
Well you know they've got a hell of a band, band, band"

--The Brothers Righteous

5:59 AM  
Blogger Jaggy said...

I'm with you on the cupcakes. Amen!

7:13 AM  
Blogger Syd said...

oooh, non addictive recreational drugs. I'm in.

Just don't talk to me about the erection thing on the way. OK?

10:18 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

Green grass. Always springtime or autumn. Lots of horses and dogs. No arthritis. Pizza 24 hours a day and nobody gets fat.

10:35 AM  
Anonymous walter richards said...

Why the "chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips"?

12:45 PM  
Anonymous nemo said...

Donna said...
.."Lots of horses and dogs."
____________________________________

But instead of leaving horse and dog poop they leave cupcakes and chocolate chip cookies.

1:14 PM  
Anonymous gearhead said...

I'm writing this comment from heaven. Why don't you take a day off and come visit for 3hours, 59minutes and 59 seconds.
Please plan on eating before and after your visit somewhere.
I'd sure hate to break the bubble with a bunch of slobbering, smacking, and other general slobbery surrounding food.
:-Q

1:35 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Will do Lori.

Nemo, Band implies a brass section. Did you know that most bands are not bands at all because they don't employ a brass section...

Right on, Jaggy

Syd, Shoot, I forgot we have an arrangement to go to Hell together, you're driving, remember?

Donna, I'll take Fall, too much brushing and shedding in the Spring, and drop the dog request and I'll be happy to be your neighbor.

Walt, I'm sick of chocolate and sometimes chunks and chips get in the way of a good cookie.

Nemo, good problem solving, however I don't want anything that comes from a dog.

Gearhead,I may have to add more to my list. Thanks for the reminder. By the way you will be featured in an article here in the next few days. Nothing bad, stay tuned.

2:10 PM  
Anonymous CB said...

I don't believe in "Heaven" so I can't imagine one. In fact, to imagine one makes me think it would be hell, no matter what it was. One place to dwell, forever? Boring. I am excited about there being more. This is just the beginning, and how much here have I missed?

7:12 PM  
Blogger Auntie said...

copious amounts of good red wine, stinky french cheeses and laughter. And I am with you on the chocolate getting in the way of a good cookie.

7:21 PM  
Blogger Boo7 said...

Love it, love it, love it!! Your image of heaven sounds nigh on perfect!! Just one or two modifications....I'm with Syd...don't need to know about the erection thing....and I would add....NO snow....or at least no driving through blizzards!!

Which reminds me....yeahhhhhhhhh come here so I can cuff you one upside the head for the blackflies comment on my blog the other day!!! Actually it did make me chuckle but confirmed your sh*t-disturber status!

:)

5:15 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

CB, you lose two points for taking this post seriously, but you know how you can gain those points back. Think May...

Auntie, I always choose the chocolate chip cookies with the fewest chips.

Boo, funny you, Lori and Syd all brought that up. Like I didn't see that coming down 5th ave, but that isn't my problem. The TV commercials make it seem like a real problem and most guys would think it was cool to have one that wouldn't quit. And as for the black flies, I was only trying to cheer you up, Darlin ; )

5:48 AM  

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