Friday, June 20, 2008

Turning On Jesus

I am one that can only take just so much foolishness. Sure I do enjoy some, but when it gets to a certain point I can’t hold back. My wife knows this about me and she will often take a bullet for me like she did yesterday.

I’ve written some articles on integrated pest management for agriculture that get published or cited or get me speaking engagements and people like to contact me to comment from time to time. Lately I’ve been contacted by extremely religious people from the South East. The one yesterday from Georgia told my wife that the Lord spoke to him and gave him instructions to look me up on the Internet and call me. At this point she felt it best not to hand the phone over to me.

It seems that Jesus told him a solution for the whole IPM problem in agriculture, and he was supposed to call me and tell me what the Lord said and that I would be able cure all the ills of farming on the planet.

My wife asked if he could tell her and she could tell me. He asked if Jesus was her personal savior. When she said that he wasn’t her savior the man said that Jesus only wants believers to hear his words. My wife informed him that I am an Atheist and that I would probably be less receptive to any Lordly suggestions than she. At this point the man wondered openly why Jesus would have told him to call me, of all people.

My wife suggested that maybe he could find someone in Agriculture at the University of Georgia to speak with. She handled this call much more tactfully than I would have.

I would have asked if you have the voice of Jesus in your head why it’s OK, but if you have any other voice in your head you are crazy. Seriously folks if Jesus is speaking to you and telling you need to do things you probably need some Lithium. Though it seems like it’s real and though you want it to be real, it simply isn’t. You are being swept up in the spirit that false prophets use to get you to donate money to them. They make it seem so possible and logical. I know you have good intentions, but please if you aren’t going to go on medication for this malady, please at least try to keep your revelations to yourself.


Blogger Donna said...

As you know, I'm a believer. However, I never trust anyone who says "God told me to tell you....".

If God wants me to know something, He should be able to tell me directly, without using a go-between.

5:00 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Donna, that is one of the things I love about you. Had I not read your bio I wouldn't you were a believer. You never try to convert or pervert that which inspires you.

5:32 AM  
Anonymous g said...

I need some Lithium Ion batteries.

I'm not sure why one would need Jesus to tell him this kind of information. It was obvious when the gadget quit working.

Vivat Jesus!

9:19 AM  
Blogger Denise said...

Yeah, 'cause if there is a "god" and he is trying to "tell you something" he'd do it like that, by having some nut job call you on the phone. This really cracked me up.

9:20 AM  
Blogger Jaggy said...

Hell called. Their idiot's missing. :)

I always ask those door-to-door LDS/Mormons if they'd like to come in for some caffeine and alcohol.

Even more funny, ask them where Jesus was born. The Book o' Mormon states He was born in Jerusalem. That totally explains why the Bible calls him Jesus of Nazareth. When they tell me Jerusalem and I correct them, they leave in a huff.

I hope God has a sense of humor.

9:52 AM  
Blogger weese said...

That is too funny.
Your wife is a saint. And I mean that in the 'tolerance' sense - not the walking on water sense.

12:57 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Sam Kinnison used to do a funny bit on God messing with one of his followers like telling him to go out at two in the morning to get ice cream. I don't remember all the stuff in his routine, but it was funny.

4:12 PM  
Blogger Denise said...

My husband said maybe god had the wrong number!

1:02 PM  
Blogger Mike S said...

Why didn't he mention to the fella that you wuz an atheist? Did that part slip past God??? Just askin'??

12:38 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Denise, Oops...

Mike, yet another mistake from the top down.

5:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can kill fire ants with aspartame or orange juice and repel them with baby powder - Learn how to kill pests without killing yourself or the earth......
There are about 50 to 60 million insect species on earth - we have named only about 1 million and there are only about 1 thousand pest species - already over 50% of these thousand pests are already resistant to our volatile, dangerous, synthetic pesticide POISONS. We accidentally lose about 25,000 to 100,000 species of insects, plants and animals every year due to "man's footprint". But, after poisoning the entire world and contaminating every living thing for over 60 years with these dangerous and ineffective pesticide POISONS we have not even controlled much less eliminated even one pest species and every year we use/misuse more and more pesticide POISONS to try to "keep up"! Even with all of this expensive and unnecessary pollution - we lose more and more crops and lives to these thousand pests every year.

We are losing the war against these thousand pests mainly because we insist on using only synthetic pesticide POISONS and fertilizers There has been a severe "knowledge drought" - a worldwide decline in agricultural R&D, especially in production research and safe, more effective pest control since the advent of synthetic pesticide POISONS and fertilizers. Today we are like lemmings running to the sea insisting that is the "right way". The greatest challenge facing humanity this century is the necessity for us to double our global food production with less land, less water, less nutrients, less science, frequent droughts, more and more contamination and ever-increasing pest damage.

National Poison Prevention Week, March 18-24,2007 was created to highlight the dangers of poisoning and how to prevent it. One study shows that about 70,000 children in the USA were involved in common household pesticide-related (acute) poisonings or exposures in 2004. At least two peer-reviewed studies have described associations between autism rates and pesticides (D'Amelio et al 2005; Roberts EM et al 2007 in EHP). It is estimated that 300,000 farm workers suffer acute pesticide poisoning each year just in the United States - No one is checking chronic contamination.
In order to try to help "stem the tide", I have just finished re-writing my IPM encyclopedia entitled: THE BEST CONTROL II, that contains over 2,800 safe and far more effective alternatives to pesticide POISONS. This latest copyrighted work is about 1,800 pages in length and is now being updated at my new website at .

This new website at has been basically updated; all we have left to update is Chapter 39 and to renumber the pages. All of these copyrighted items are free for you to read and/or download. There is simply no need to POISON yourself or your family or to have any pest problems.

Stephen L. Tvedten
2530 Hayes Street
Marne, Michigan 49435
When a man who is honestly mistaken hears the truth, he will either quit being mistaken or cease to be honest.

"An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come." --Victor Hugo
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." -- Martin Luther King Jr.

1:01 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

I speak on the topic of natural IPM. I don't use chemicals.

1:57 PM  
Blogger nootka said...

I just died laughing when I saw the pic!
(stealing it just for grins)
Your wife deserves a medal, that was a rough one.

8:00 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Funny thing about that light switch cover, I had one of those fuckers when I was growing up. The nuns gave them out to the kids in school.

10:17 PM  

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