Friday, March 27, 2009

Astoria Crabs Festival

It’s nearly time for the Astoria Wine and Crabs Festival. Yes, you too can come to the Clatsop County Fair Grounds and pay exorbitant parking fees, but if that’s not for you or if you prefer not drive drunk you can easily catch a shuttle bus to and from this event. A word of caution: you will be returning on these shuttles with people that are really drunk so wear a rain slicker to repel the vomit. The ride home is like going to a Gallagher show except you will be hit stomach contents rather than watermelon.

Once at the Crabs festival you can purchase a commemorative wine glass that makes the price of parking at the Fair Grounds look like a deal. At that point you are free to roam around and pay for wine samples from the hundreds of unique local wineries. After dumping at least $20 you will be lubed enough to wander out to the horse stalls where a bevy of skanks of both sexes are waiting to share their crabs with you. Hopefully if you don’t get robbed you will have enough cash to buy a bottle of Quell when you sober up.

So get ready to grow your nails for scratching and get down with your inner skank, the Crabs Festival is coming to town in April.


Blogger darev2005 said...

Gee, the way you weave the essence of the thing..... it sounds so enticing. I'm almost ready to cash in my life savings and head that way. Oops, dang. I have to wash my hair that day. Bummer. Maybe next year. I guess you can have my share this year, big guy.

5:20 AM  
Blogger Auntie said...

You make the event sounds so cheap and tawdry. You know Uncle B and I want to get a lift from you again this year,....please? Since it's on your way home....

And you missed the whole experience of being fed crabs by the Astoria Clowns and how cool the honeypot "row" is outside the place.

5:42 AM  
Blogger loopymamain06 said...

Sounds just like the "frog" festival in Fellsmere Florida.

6:07 AM  
Blogger dalia said...

jeez, they should hire you as their PR man.

7:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

never been to one of those since it started and dont think I
'll be going this year, either.

9:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going to the ATM today to get some cash to buy a bottle of Quell!!

9:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhh...the good ole days of free love and the crabs. The challenges associated with small town life. Having had the "itch", and walking into the local drugstore for the cure, I could not after going through every cream on the shelf find the cure. So summoning up my courage and in a sheepish voice, asked the druggist (not to be confused with the druggie) for a cream for the "itch" down there. Problem was...the druggist was an old guy who had a bit of a lot of a hearing problem. He also figured everybody else in the world had a hearing problem too, so in a voice that seemed to echo off of the walls he announced to the whole store...what's the got the crabs??? accompanied by the pincing gesture with the hands up at either side just in case anybody else in there didn't quite hear what he said... Oh mannnnnnnnnn...I'll never get laid again.............and I caught them off of a toilet seat too.


11:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll be there if I can bring my 5 dogs with me.
You know they are the most darling little perfect angels!
They don't have to be on a leash; do they?

1:40 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Darev, between the parking, the wine glass and the samples and a tip for the skank in the horse stalls you should only have to part with a hundred dollars. Tip, wear a money belt.

Auntie, it is tawdry, but not so cheap.

Loopy, except ores doesn't have carnival rides...except maybe in the horse stalls or maybe if someone tips over a honeypot.

Dalia, this is what I do ; )

Anon 1, I have gone once and never again.

Anon 2, it's good to plan ahead.

Moose, here you can get them from a real live person.

Anon 3, Can dogs get crabs?

6:16 AM  

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