Astoria Crabs Festival
It’s nearly time for the Astoria Wine and Crabs Festival. Yes, you too can come to the Clatsop County Fair Grounds and pay exorbitant parking fees, but if that’s not for you or if you prefer not drive drunk you can easily catch a shuttle bus to and from this event. A word of caution: you will be returning on these shuttles with people that are really drunk so wear a rain slicker to repel the vomit. The ride home is like going to a Gallagher show except you will be hit stomach contents rather than watermelon.
Once at the Crabs festival you can purchase a commemorative wine glass that makes the price of parking at the Fair Grounds look like a deal. At that point you are free to roam around and pay for wine samples from the hundreds of unique local wineries. After dumping at least $20 you will be lubed enough to wander out to the horse stalls where a bevy of skanks of both sexes are waiting to share their crabs with you. Hopefully if you don’t get robbed you will have enough cash to buy a bottle of Quell when you sober up.
So get ready to grow your nails for scratching and get down with your inner skank, the Crabs Festival is coming to town in April.