Tuesday, April 03, 2007

A Menu Item (By Gearhead)

My dear friend Gearhead is giving me the day off today. This is the first guest submission for this blog.

By Gearhead:

We were all in our late teens, in the mid 70s, working in a chain restaurant, paying our own way through college. On this evening, although underage, we were all heavily intoxicated, and decided to stop in at our restaurant for eggs and hash browns.

There were three of us. Big Dave, a 285 lb gentleman that grew up in a nice, working class family, Dave ? (I forget his last name) that had no family, no morals, no manners, no brains, no front teeth, almost no stomach (after several operations) and drank tequila like water, and little old me.

As we sat waiting in our familiar surroundings for the waitress to appear, something happened that chilled us to the bone. It was the sound of the double doors to the kitchen being thrown open. BA-BAM!!
We all knew that sound. It was the sound of someone throwing the swinging doors out of their way forcefully.

As we swung around in unison our worst nightmares were realized; it was the District Manager for the chain!! Why was he here at 11:00 pm? He only shows up when someone gets fired! But yeah; I can still hear the sound, “BA-BAM!!” The doors had been thrown open, and here he comes, with a cold hard stare and a steady gait. We’re dead. We’re all dead. And yes, there is a rule that states that anyone can be terminated for activities that “embarrass the company”. We were all drunk.

He stopped at our table. He stood there and stared at us for a few moments.
“What’s going on tonight boys?” he asked glaringly.
“Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing,” we answered.
He stared at us a little more. “Are you boys hungry?” he asked.
We all nodded yes.
“How would you boys like to eat anything and everything on the menu tonight and I’ll sign the check?” he probed.

Now we were really confused.
He continued, “I am working up the new menu. I need the products and pricing from Vops, Danny’s, Hi-Ho’s, Simbo’s and the Tom-Tom restaurants. If you can get that, I will buy you all dinner.”
“When do you need this?” I asked.
“Tonight.” he answered.
“So, how do you recommend that we…” Big Dave started.
“I don’t care, and further, I do not want to know how you come up with the information. That is your business.”

After a focus-group meeting, complete with multi-voting, paredo charts, fishbone analysis, (2 minutes total) we came up with our scientific solution; we would steal the menus. Big Dave was the driver and Low-Life Dave? was my partner in thievery.

First destination: Vops. As we waited in the lobby a cute little gal approached with 2 menus in hand. “Two?” she asked.
“One” I responded as I grabbed a menu out of her hand, and ran for the get-away car with my loser cohort.

We laughed all the way to Simbo’s where, as we walked in we spotted menus on the counter, grabbed one and took off. We’re having fun now!!!

As we walked in to Hi Ho’s, we were greeted by a young pansy-ass host that asked us, “Two?” He had no menus in his hand. We looked around. There were none to be seen! We allowed him to seat us at a table.

“Coffee?” the pimply-chump asked? Wouldn’t you know it, my airhead, loser partner says, “Oh yes please!” Now I am leaning across the table ripping on my dorky co-hort , when here comes the pansy with menus and coffee in his hands.

I grab a menu out of his hand and bolt for the fire door, which proves to be impassible. Then we dash for the foyer and end up in the breeze way with the pansy boy blocking the path of Dave? from the door.

At that moment I realized that I needed to turn around and save Dave? Before I could take one step, and in one fast motion, like the crack of a whip, Dave? Pulls a huge knife from it’s sheath and is holding it right up in the pansy’s face.

Dave? Had a crazed, survival level bend in his expression. I yelled, “DAVE, LET’S GO!!!!”

Panzy boy screamed and took off running back through the restaurant. We burned rubber out of there.

There is more to the story, but I have forgotten it. No one got hurt. Our new menus got printed later on that month. We ate well that night. We all had a new respect for our crew-cut, red neck district manager as well. I’m now thinking that we threw ourselves in harms way.


Blogger Sharon said...

Big Dave wouldn't happen to be from Raritan, NJ would he?

Sounds like someone I know.

8:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In todays world your screw up would be a measure 11 crime. There are teens sitting in prison/oya for less then you guys did. Also with a measure 11 crime you sit in jail your whole time, you do not get out early for good behaviour.
I'm sure the measure was intended to lower crime and probably has done "some" good. It is like fishing...you throw a net and catch incidentials.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Auntie L said...

Moosehead - thank you for taking the plunge and giving Guy a break!

You are highly entertaining and I always enjoy your comments. Start a blog, damnit.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Moosehead said...

Auntie I - you got your gearheads mixed up with your mooseheads! Good story Gearhead! Reminds me of the time...never mind. I recently took up sensitivity training and was promptly banned from the class as being incorrigible - something about a bull in a china shop. Hell, I didn't know she was a transvestite! Now I finally know the meaning of the saying it is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought an idiot than to open it and remove all doubt.

2:04 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Sharon, were you from Jersey before moving South?

Anon,you hit that right on the head.

Auntie, it was Gearhead not Moosehead. Remember Mooses are Canadian. Moosehead would have written a much longer story.

Moosehead, you went to sensitivity training? Hehehehe...

2:13 PM  
Anonymous Carrie Woodstock Nation said...

Good story about bad boys!....

If the Guy who writes this is taking contributions for his blog I'll try to put together my little true 1960s tale of ornery but funloving north coast beach kids breaking into a prominent local police station and making off with a prominent local police chief's prominent marijuana plant...
Ooohh...tsk tsk tsk...the chief wasnt happy, no sir, he wasnt. In fact, he was downright mad!(sigh) I guess some folks just don't have a sense of humor

On second thought, maybe it wouldnt be too smart..ya never know about cops..someone out there might still be holding a grudge

3:44 PM  
Anonymous auntie l said...

Moosehead and Gearhead,.....I am heartily sorry for having offended thee......Dont know what came over old Auntie today.

Moosehead, I saw a quote recently that was like your idiot comment, ....It said "never open your mouth unless you are absolutely certain that your brain is going to work".....

3:47 PM  
Anonymous Moosehead said...

I hear ya Auntie I. The keyboard is truly mightier than the sword!
Maybe I'll send Guy a guest blog submission like how I lost my virginity (nope - it wasn't in jail) or cherry picking days. On second thought, better not. Damn sensitivity training...really cramping up my creative style.

4:21 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Carrie Woodstock Nation...great name... Submissions accepted. I could get into this taking a day off thing. Now I know how Tryan feels...
BTW Haven't heard from him lately. I wonder if he is...

4:37 PM  
Anonymous Thartill said...

He is..... wha?

Yes I am having girl issues again....I feel like I'm cheating on Jaggy :-)

5:22 PM  
Blogger Jaggy said...

Oh dear... I don't know what to say.

Excellent story, though. Probably wasn't a good idea to read it from work: laughing for no apparent reason can be troublesome if one gets caught. ;)

6:27 PM  
Blogger Sharon said...

Guy - I've lived in several locations, Brooklyn being the closest to Jersey. Of course, I was in kindergarten back then...

My ex-hubbie sounds a lot like Big Dave.

6:53 PM  
Anonymous gearhead said...

I remembered one more little detail.
At one stop the night manager chased us all the way to the car.
Big Dave threw the passenger door (of his folks's Dodge Charger) open and we both dove in, one on top of the other.
There were two intersections about 80 feet apart and we went flying out of the resteraunt parking lot sideways through both red lights with the tires ablaze.
Oh well; it sure seemed like fun at the time.

10:43 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Sharon, I have fond memories of going to the Brooklyn Academy of Music.

Gearhead, good story. Thanks for the day off yesterday. I got four articles done for future posting.

5:32 AM  

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