Friday, October 19, 2007

Birthday Cards

I am one of the rare men who actually does the shopping for birthday cards. Yes, I do miss a lot of peoples’ birthdays, but there are a few important ones I remember; my wife, her kids, and my mother. I also buy cards for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day…

Today is my Mother's birthday. I’m not big on mushy cards. I don’t like getting them, so I never give them. No matter how flowery and poetic they may be, they just bore me to tears. I always go for a card with a sense of humor.

My point is that it is getting really hard to find a good funny card these days. Birthday cards that try to be funny now only reference drinking, farting, and “you are old and you are going to die soon.”

Look, my mother is turning 88 this year. I don't want a card with photos of monkeys, (there's enough of that junk on this blog.) She is a widow and I wouldn’t send her a card suggesting that she go out and get laid for her birthday with a Chippendale Dancer. I don’t want to send her a card that suggests her boobs are sagging. I don’t want a card that calls her an old fart. I don’t want to suggest her memory isn’t what it used to be. Most of all I don’t want to remind her of her mortality.

Is it that the demand for insult cards is really there? Have we digressed and become that rude? I know, I should make my own cards that say what I want them to say. But to me home made cards look like home made clothing. Just what I want to send out, something that looks like it came from a religious compound.


Blogger Beth said...

You are a rare man.
And, yes, there are far too many rude, insulting cards out there.

Hope you found a card for today - if you haven't, you can now search the (supposedly) funny, "Sorry this card is late," selection.

Happy Birthday to your mother!

6:40 AM  
Blogger Auntie said...

You really should just go an see her. How many years has it been?
Just some "mother" guilt for ya.

6:58 AM  
Anonymous gearhead said...

The last card I sent my mother was a parking ticket.
I enclosed a note that said,"Dear Mom, I found this on my windshield and thought of you on your birthday knowing the joy you recieve when helping others."

9:03 AM  
Blogger Auntie Rosa said...

I think my 81 year old mother may want to adopt you. I agree that there are too many insulting cards. I like to insult my mom in person to eliminate evidence. I told my mom the reason she doesn't hear well is because her ears are still ringing from the big bang. She wouldn't know what to do if her kids were nice to her. And she laughs at us, which keeps her young and happy.

9:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with Auntie. Cards are such a committment (and so much money) that it's much easier to go see the Mother than to reward Hallmark or any other cardmaker. Maybe she'd appreciate a letter. (Again, too much committment for me) Yes, the visitation is much easier; you're in control of when you get there and when you leave.

9:16 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Beth, I found one but it sucked.

Oh no,no,no,no,no. I am not going back to New Jersey again...ever. So knock it off Auntie L.

Gearhead, now I understand why you have a security gate at the compound.

Auntie Rosa, I have too much residual Catholic guilt from my childhood to ever say anything disrespectful to my mother.

Anon, again it would entail a trip to New Jersey. It is much easier not going there.

9:38 AM  
Blogger Mike S said...

Hate to say it, but me & most of my fellow Geezers (from my age on up) are probably the reason for the insulting cards. We tend to be really fond of them it seems:)

11:11 AM  
Anonymous walter richards said...

Quit yer whinin', Guy.

You obviously have a computer ... and enough time to blog ... so you have the equipment and time to make a "home made" card approaching professional quality.


I just don't give a damn about my own birthday - so I don't give birthday cards.

12:11 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Mike, tell your friends to knock it off, they are ruining the selection.

Walt, there is something about a home-made card that says sincerity, and personal goodness, but on the other hand a home-made card says "Cheap Bastard." I don't care much for mine either, but it is always nice to be remembered. A card is a manifestation of a moment in which someone cared. It's a good thing.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Auntie said...

Guy - listen to my BFF Auntie R and also to my mother.

Go see your mother, because you will miss her when she is gone and not "in" Jersey anymore. Just sayin.

1:52 PM  
Blogger Hahn at Home said...

I love some of the lines I can find at some specialty shops where I get a cool picture on the front and then write my own for whomever. It works pretty well. And, I'm with Auntie--hop the Jet Blue.

2:18 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

OK, so y'all think you know me so well. This would be a five hour flight. What is the maximum amount of time I can spend with anyone? (Jeopardy music)...

Next, would I enjoy being in a tube breathing air that a couple hundred people are exhaling in? (Jeopardy music continues)...

2:37 PM  
Anonymous Moosehead said...

How would this card be for you Zen lover you.

Do not walk behind me for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone

3:45 PM  
Blogger RobbKidd said...

Good Thing for us Mom, is not too picky about cards. So, a phone call is just as good. She used your logic in not sending me a birthday card for my birthday.

3:58 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Moosehead, you get it, Grasshopper.

Robb, I called her first thing this morning. She has three living children and seven grand children. It's good to see she's still getting the cards out. I wonder if she is still in contact with the two Grand Children out here? I'm not, and I think one lives in Portland. I've been advised not to make contact with that one. Too funny.

4:26 PM  
Blogger Mike S said...

Spoke to a few friends about using nicer cards. They all pretty much told me to go f**k myself and the horse I rode in on. Idea not well received at all:)
I kinda like Moosehead's card idea:)

3:32 AM  
Anonymous walter richards said...

Guy - do they even allow your anti-microbe bubble on planes? How many seats do you have to pay for, with it?

8:51 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Mike, we have to find you some new friends. But then Like Likes Like.

Walt, actually I'm not as crazy as I lead you all to believe here. Yes I am a bit germ phobic, but I don't really avoid too much. I hate hand shaking, though I do. I hate being in a group of people, but I often do that, too. I just move ahead, and hope for the best.

As for flying, I haven't been in the air other than being thrown from a horse since August of 1996. I did a lot of traveling while in my 20s and 30s. 50,000+ miles a year. Now I have found a place I don't need to run away from. I am content here in Dried Salmon County. To travel from here will put me in places that are either warmer or colder in temperature and more than likely with higher populations. I no longer feel the need to get away.

10:17 AM  

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