Monday, October 06, 2008

Sick Day XXV

Was there a meeting that I missed where it was unanimously voted by a quorum that it is now OK for people to fart openly in public? What the hell is going on these days people? The other day I was in a store and this woman bends over and lets one go. She stood up quickly and I hoped she would be able to contain herself but she kept pumping it as she walked away. Every time her right leg went forward more gas would be left behind. I immediately remembered what finding a patch of warm water was like when I swam as a child. I had to abandon shopping in that isle so as not to become over come by the scent of her digestive tract.

I was having a conversation with someone and suddenly sounded like someone was practicing the trumpet in his pants. It too, was a long recital. I'm surprised he didn't stop to apologize even after my eyes crossed

People just don't hide it any more. I was recently in a waiting room and I watched a guy across the room actually lift a cheek and let one rip. Come had to lift a cheek? Rat bastard! Dirty rat bastards! All of them.


Blogger loopymamain06 said...

For someone to "lift a cheek" is truely gross. In my book, that falls under the catagory of "no manners". I do believe that there are some medical conditions, that causes some of it.
Personally, since I've gotten older, I can no longer eat anything with sour cream on or in it......Unless there is a two day window when I will not be around any other human beings. Alas....

4:45 AM  
Blogger Auntie said...

Oh no! The dreaded "one-cheek-sneak"!

That lady in the grocery store was probably old and hard of hearing right? I notice people who are hard of hearing are CERTAIN that others cannot hear them. That would be my only lame explanation for their smelly behaviour, anyway.

5:47 AM  
Blogger Hahn at Home said...

My mom? Never heard her, not once.

6:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some of it can be chalked up to the graying of America and some, as Loopy says, medical conditions. I'm not a doctor but people like you describe should see one, or at least eat an apple a day if that "activity" is normal for them.

7:21 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

An old woman went to her doctor with the complaint that she constantly has gas, but oddly it is always silent and her gas never smells. The doctor gave her some pills and told her to return the following week.

When she returned on the following week she told the doctor what he gave her made her farts really stinky. He said, “Good, we fixed your sinus infection, now lets work on your hearing.”

7:43 AM  
Blogger weese said...

funny what Hahn said. my kids can say the same thing about me.

9:19 AM  
Anonymous Ginger said...

COME ON! Your grandpa never said "pull my finger"? Of course, where WE come from (fire department folks), we go out of our way to make "foods w/ results". I make a damn good chili and 50 clove garlic chicken! Although I do agree, there is a time and place for such activity :)

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alas no longer find farts funny means you have crossed over into the realm of a dull thood. Woe is you...or maybe it's just other people's farts? Say it ain't so Shoeless Joe...


6:06 PM  
Blogger richpix said...

All I can say is, Fart Proudly

6:14 PM  
Blogger MissKris said...

As I sat in a pew at church one Sunday morning, an older gentleman came along, saw someone he knew in the pew across the aisle from mine, bent over to say something to them and 'let one go' right in my face. I fell apart. I could NOT stop laughing! And I couldn't stop laughing as I read your post and the comments. After today's news about Wall Street, I needed a good laugh. Thanks, Guy!

6:41 PM  
Blogger darev2005 said...

I had to sit here for ten minutes and wait to stop giggling so I could type. I guess it's mostly a guy thing. Some of the (staff) guys at work are really proud of their accomplishments in this field and I have learned if I see one of them leaving the office in a hurry with no obvious reason, I'm out right behind them (but not too closely). The rest of the crew generally evacuates moments later. It's like stepping in a fresh cow patty in your socks. Nasty as hell but you just have to laugh. Especially if it's someone else.

8:29 PM  
Anonymous g said...


8:43 PM  
Anonymous dalia said...

i had a conversation with a bunch of girflriends today about this very same thing. one of them admitted that her "very favourite thing in the whole world to do" is to let one go ("a hot and silent one," she said) under the sheets and then stick her nose under an smell it. "truly glorious," was her comment.

i was so grossed out. but i laughed and laughed...

i never knew what "pull my finger" meant until i was well into my 20s. no one in my family ever did that kind of thing (the finger part)... it was considered rude to fart on purpose/in front of company.

11:50 PM  
Anonymous dalia said...

oh, and just for you, guy:

1:23 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Look at how many people come out to comment on a post about farts. Interesting. Yeah, I started it I know.

There wasn't any finger pulling in my family. Remember I was reared as a repressed Catholic. Not only was it rude to fart, it was rude to say the word "fart."

Of course I find them funny. I still think like a 12 year old. I find all sorts of stupid things funny that someone of my age should have gotten over by now. I also mentioned that I'm having a hard time coming up with sick day posts, so I turned my rage onto farts.

Oh and the woman in the grocery store was a chubby woman in her 40s in sweat pants, you know the kind that makes you look like you are actually involved in an fitness program, but in reality they've given up on dressing in anything attractive. She looked a lot like Divine in Hairspray.

5:32 AM  
Anonymous Columbiacontrolfreak said...

Last Friday night we went to a party. My husband ate deviled eggs, guacamole dip, hot salsa, a bacon cheese burger,baked beans with curry sauce, chocolate cake, ice cream and had 3 rich dark beers.

Need I say more?
Thank god for ceiling fans.

8:13 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

And I'm sure, knowing you,that youm enjoyed every second of it.

6:15 AM  

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