Thursday, January 24, 2013

If I Am Elected...

I was watching the inauguration the other day and I kept catching myself saying, "If I were elected I'd do away with that..."  I can't stand a lot of the pomp and circumstance, though I see that some of it is necessary to make the people feel vested, or something like that.

First, where the hell did all those cops come from?  There was a wall of cops standing on both sides of the road for miles of the parade route.  We've become a total police state.  This is why our prisons are overcrowded, too many cops with too much time to justify their jobs.

If it were me up there, there'd be no Tabernacle choir, there'd be no poet, there'd be no blessing.  I wouldn't put my hand on a Bible nor would I say "So help me God."  I'd have to be sworn in on a ratty copy of In Water Mellon Sugar.

I would not attend National Prayer Day, except only to announce that I plan to tax the churches.

As for my inauguration speech, I tell the NRA that they are welcome to have shot guns and hunting rifles with clips that hold five or fewer rounds. If they want to shoot anything larger they will need to join a "Well Regulated Militia" like the 2nd amendment states and I'd direct them to the nearest recruiting office.

I would implement a rating system for news programs where they would have to display their rating for objectivity, accuracy and relevance the entire time of their broadcast.

I'd tell Israel that they are now on their own because they are just another theocratic terrorist nation.

The words "In God We Trust" would be removed from our currency.

I would recommend and support the secession of the states of Texas and Arizona; those states are too far gone and need to be on their own.

By executive order Marijuana would be totally legal to grow, possess, transport and use, however all intoxication laws will still apply.

Fuel will no longer be made from food and ethanol will only be sold to people who actually want to burn that crap.

Students will not be able to drop out of school until age 18.  The only option for leaving school at an earlier age will be to meet all the graduation requirements before that age or pass all three sections of the GED test.

I would reward with financial incentives any county that includes a Planned Parenthood clinic as community  health center for women.

I would give tax credits to people who reduced their energy consumption over a previous year.

Finally, douche bags would have to choose only one; either the goatee, the short baggy pants, the sun glasses or the hat; not all four.


Blogger g said...

I pretty much disagree with you on everything.

I agree about the fuel.
I agree about secession.

Also, will your secret service be disarmed?

FYI, there are places that exist outside the US where you could be elected. Why do you live in the US?

3:56 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

g, I take it you are opposed to the Douche Bag Dress Code Act...
Why disarm the Secret Service, they are a well regulated militia?

4:08 PM  
Anonymous gearhead said...

Guy, I appreciate that you have thoughtfully worked through your platform, but here's the bad news:
The election was won on American Idol judging, NOT on leadership or ideas.
Nice try though.
If you want to win you will need to regrow the ponies, go back to Burken-thongs, pander to every sickening fringe weirdo group; just do what Barry Santuro did.
I'll vote for y...., never mind!

6:24 PM  
Blogger Lucilyn labajo said...

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ged free practice test printable

10:32 PM  
Blogger Lucilyn labajo said...

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10:37 PM  
Blogger mark said...

Don't agree with all the planks in your platform, but you have my vote anyway. Guess I'll go with the sunglasses.

9:24 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Lucilyn, right you are. I think there are only three sections to the pre-test or placement test.

Mark, wise choice on the sun glasses, though I don't see how anyone but g could disagree with the platform. He's from Warrenton and I expect that kind of crap from him.

6:47 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

I'll vote for you! This may be my only chance to move! ...and also, I like you, so there's that. Can you try to make narcotics legal as well? My messed up knee would thank you.

9:07 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Amy, All narcotics will be legal in my administration. There are too many drug offenders in jail and we could save tons of money by freeing them and gain more money by taxing narcotics. After all, we don't stop people from abusing alcohol, tobacco, or high fructose corn syrup; so why do we mess with other addictive substances.

10:57 AM  
Anonymous gearhead said...

We're having fun now!
Hey now Guy, you're not an anti-assholite are you?
Lets not be discriminating against people.
Remember; assholes aren't that way by choice. They were born that way.
Unfortunatly though, as a protected class they are the majority NOT a minority.
Republicans and Dumbocraps alike.
Remember, you are a liberal. WOU HAVE TO BE NICE.
Nice :-) Nice :-) Nice :-)

Otherwise you could be mistaken for those in the majority like me!

3:29 PM  
Blogger darev2005 said...

-Ducks and weaves through the shrapnel to get here- Woof!

Hell, you got my vote, Guy.

If my sunglasses are prescription, can I keep the hat, too?

I do love my hats.

7:57 AM  

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