If I Am Elected...

I was watching the inauguration the other day and I kept catching myself saying, "If I were elected I'd do away with that..."  I can't stand a lot of the pomp and circumstance, though I see that some of it is necessary to make the people feel vested, or something like that.

First, where the hell did all those cops come from?  There was a wall of cops standing on both sides of the road for miles of the parade route.  We've become a total police state.  This is why our prisons are overcrowded, too many cops with too much time to justify their jobs.

If it were me up there, there'd be no Tabernacle choir, there'd be no poet, there'd be no blessing.  I wouldn't put my hand on a Bible nor would I say "So help me God."  I'd have to be sworn in on a ratty copy of In Water Mellon Sugar.

I would not attend National Prayer Day, except only to announce that I plan to tax the churches.

As for my inauguration speech, I tell the NRA that they are welcome to have shot guns and hunting rifles with clips that hold five or fewer rounds. If they want to shoot anything larger they will need to join a "Well Regulated Militia" like the 2nd amendment states and I'd direct them to the nearest recruiting office.

I would implement a rating system for news programs where they would have to display their rating for objectivity, accuracy and relevance the entire time of their broadcast.

I'd tell Israel that they are now on their own because they are just another theocratic terrorist nation.

The words "In God We Trust" would be removed from our currency.

I would recommend and support the secession of the states of Texas and Arizona; those states are too far gone and need to be on their own.

By executive order Marijuana would be totally legal to grow, possess, transport and use, however all intoxication laws will still apply.

Fuel will no longer be made from food and ethanol will only be sold to people who actually want to burn that crap.

Students will not be able to drop out of school until age 18.  The only option for leaving school at an earlier age will be to meet all the graduation requirements before that age or pass all three sections of the GED test.

I would reward with financial incentives any county that includes a Planned Parenthood clinic as community  health center for women.

I would give tax credits to people who reduced their energy consumption over a previous year.

Finally, douche bags would have to choose only one; either the goatee, the short baggy pants, the sun glasses or the hat; not all four.