Friday, January 11, 2008

I Swear I Didn't Mean it That Way...

I am one who generally minds my manners. I try to never send mixed messages. I avoid being suggestive or using double-entendres when I speak. Sure I’ll let some foul language fly from time to time, but I avoid saying things of a flirtatious nature to any one.

I’m sure we’ve all had things come out of our mouths that we couldn’t believe what we had just said. Phrases where we would have like to say, “No! No! That’s not what I meant at all!” Let’s call them Larry David moments.

Once while grocery shopping I was searching through the cabbages. A woman I knew was looking there as well. We were chatting as we searched. These cabbages were all gigantic, and after rooting like a hog through everything there I said, “All I’d like right now is a little head.”

She looked at me, blink, blink. I realized what I had said…“NO!!! That’s not what I meant at all!”

Another time I stopped in a convenience store for some road food. This, like most convenience stores sold mostly deep fried food where by eating it your pours oozed the smell of grease days afterward. I chose instead to get some juice and a container of mixed nuts. While cashing out I struck up a conversation with the clerk behind the counter. She was a friendly talkative sort, and after about five minutes I was hoping another customer would come in so I could get away. Unfortunately I was there alone. I kept trying to end the conversation but each attempt was thwarted by her friendly demeanor. I was like a coyote ready to chew off one of my arms just to get out of that trap.

Anyway, I finally looked at the clock and said, “Is that the right time?” She said it was correct. So I said, “I’m late, I better grab my nuts and get on the road.”

Within two seconds she started laughing and she was still laughing as I pulled away.


Blogger Hahn at Home said...

I said something like that once as I was being discharged from the Army at Ft. Dix in a room full of guys. It was SO bad, I can't even repeat it. Fortunately, I knew none of them and would never see them again or I would have had to shoot myself.

6:30 AM  
Blogger Auntie said...

I can't believe that you think you are going to run out of topics, Guy.

6:38 AM  
Blogger Syd said...

Both of these truly made me laugh out loud. thank you.

9:57 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Come on Lori, share it with us...

Auntie, I swear it, I'm going to run out of topics. You'll see...

Syd, Darlin, too bad you weren't there.

4:27 PM  
Blogger Mom of Three said...

Okay. Here goes.

When we lived in Forest Ranch, I had this old Blazer that would habitually have a dead battery in the morning if the driver's door wasn't closed all the way, which it didn't want to be. So, one morning, I was in a total hurry to get down the hill, went outside and the car was, of course, dead. So I ran next door and burst in with, "I need your husband to jump me!"

Thank God these were the best neighbors we ever had with huge senses of humor.

11:29 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Mo3, the best part is the pause when they look at you and blink before you realize what you said.

6:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This has to be posted anon or I'll be killed.
At work Hubby has an ongoing college sports rivalry with a co-worker. Hubby is U of O, co-worker is OSU. During civl war week they exchanged barbs all week long. Hubby found a duck head with an arrow in it in his cubicle and in retaliation hung a small plastic beaver from a fishing pole. In the breakroom one day the co-worker announces, "The only thing a duck is good for is eating." Hubby responds, "At least eating duck is eating good," And then, as the only woman in the office comes through the door, he finishes his sentence with, "but have you ever heard of someone eating beaver and enjoying it?" The silence in the room was deafening.

8:03 AM  
Blogger Uncle Walt said...

Unfortunately, double-entendres and flirtatious conversations are fast becoming a lost art ... thanks to our "zero tolerance" society.

9:24 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Anon, having... no, never mind, I'm not going there.

Walt, Yes, damn those sensitive people with lawyers.

5:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You flirt via email well enough.

11:17 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Mrs. Thatcher, Was I that obvious?

5:17 PM  

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