I Swear I Didn't Mean it That Way...

I am one who generally minds my manners. I try to never send mixed messages. I avoid being suggestive or using double-entendres when I speak. Sure I’ll let some foul language fly from time to time, but I avoid saying things of a flirtatious nature to any one.

I’m sure we’ve all had things come out of our mouths that we couldn’t believe what we had just said. Phrases where we would have like to say, “No! No! That’s not what I meant at all!” Let’s call them Larry David moments.

Once while grocery shopping I was searching through the cabbages. A woman I knew was looking there as well. We were chatting as we searched. These cabbages were all gigantic, and after rooting like a hog through everything there I said, “All I’d like right now is a little head.”

She looked at me, blink, blink. I realized what I had said…“NO!!! That’s not what I meant at all!”

Another time I stopped in a convenience store for some road food. This, like most convenience stores sold mostly deep fried food where by eating it your pours oozed the smell of grease days afterward. I chose instead to get some juice and a container of mixed nuts. While cashing out I struck up a conversation with the clerk behind the counter. She was a friendly talkative sort, and after about five minutes I was hoping another customer would come in so I could get away. Unfortunately I was there alone. I kept trying to end the conversation but each attempt was thwarted by her friendly demeanor. I was like a coyote ready to chew off one of my arms just to get out of that trap.

Anyway, I finally looked at the clock and said, “Is that the right time?” She said it was correct. So I said, “I’m late, I better grab my nuts and get on the road.”

Within two seconds she started laughing and she was still laughing as I pulled away.