Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Sick Day XXIV

OK, I’m sick of stupid restaurant stuff. Why is it that Mexican restaurants have to make every thing look cheap and dirty? First they usually lay tiles every where in an amateurish style. Tiles are uneven with entirely too much room for grouting between them. Then they use flat paint that looks like washed terra-cotta. They go through great expense to buy all this tile and then they spend extra time scuffing up the paint to make it look old and like it survives in an arid climate. Then they hang the gaudiest painting on the walls. Painting on velvet and paint by numbers is not only acceptable, it most honored. It makes me think, if they think it’s OK to put this shit on their walls, what kind of stuff are they thinking is OK to put in their food?

Chinese restaurants are slightly better. They at least give gifts of a sort. You get tea, chop sticks and fortune cookies and with take out you get condiments and a take out menu for next time. Their art is slightly better than Mexican restaurant art and sometimes it is even interesting. BUT what the hell is it with the statues and figurines of the Buddhas with enormous mongoloid heads? I mean, damn, take those creepy little things home with you. Occidental people really don't need to look at that sort of stuff. It doesn't make us feel enlightened. It makes Buddha look like he goes to school in the short bus.

Now Japanese restaurants look clean and orderly and I'm sure they are, but you know, it is easy to over do it with the sushi on the conveyor belt thing. Oh, and that Benihana thing is a joke, right? It's OK to laugh, isn't it?

I don't mean to sound like a cultural douche bag here because we as Americans have a lot of problems with our restaurants as well. We have Chilie's, Applebees and Red Robbin. We have restaurants that put forward the face of a clown and a king with a creepy plastic head, least we forget the guy who looks like and antenna ornament. Then we have the palaces of sodium. This is where the food is so salty that I have no idea how anyone can stand it; Olive Garden, Pizza Hut and Newport Bay, to name a few.

There's nothing like a home cooked meal at home.


Blogger Auntie said...

Just don't dare eat sitting straight across from you at that home cooked meal (or any meal) so that you can see the person masticating their food, right ? :-)

6:12 AM  
Blogger Uncle Walt said...

Don't forget the dimly-lit, "romantic" restaurants. Why DO they have the lights so low? What is it they don't want you to see? How many cockroaches would be scurrying for cover, if the lights were turned on?

6:37 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

I have a weakness for salty pizza and salty Olive Garden soup and breadsticks. However, I'll admit that if I think too hard about what might be going on in the kitchens, I lose the urge to eat out ANYWHERE.

8:36 AM  
Blogger weese said...

I don't know how anyone eats at the Olive garden. I suppose all the others are the same. Since we so rarely go out to eat - it needs to be something worth leaving the house for. Such as our favorite fish-n-chips place, or sushi, or perhaps ice cream for dinner. For these I will take a night off from my wife's amazing meals.

9:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Restrooms tell alot about how clean the restaurant really is.

10:28 AM  
Anonymous F. Lee said...

I had a Chupacabra Burrito Deluxe at the taco wagon parked where the carwash is and man oh man, was it good.

1:09 PM  
Blogger Auntie said...

Chupacabra Burrito ????? Deluxe? Ah man, F.Lee, that sounds so deliciouso......

7:05 PM  
Blogger Colonel Panic said...

And what is with the chinese places that play air supply or other awful easy listening AMERICAN tunes?

I go to a foreign land because there is something different there.

I understand that if you come from Asia and all you heard there was Asian music you might not want to hear it again when you get here.

But the occidental, HE wants to hear it.

And the 234 numbered items on the menu. You better just order by number. If you even try to name off the dish you are going to get corrected, whitey.

Next. Bad things about Mexican places. The refried beans, the tortilla chips in the basket that have been on other tables that very evening possibly, the busboy and other staff members who move so slowly that they are literally fire hazards, the amazing varieties of tacos, burritos or tacos or burritos available on the menu, the plates that are hot enough to melt glass, the microwave that makes the plates hot enough to melt glass, and finally the red and white exit mints that are so sticky as you unwrap them they seem pre-licked.

Thats it for the ethnic restaurant ridicule. I have eaten at other ethnic restaurants but those are the two I always go to. This is not criticism by the way It is just commentary. Restaurants in other countries may not be any better. In fact i just returned from Brazil and I was taken aback by how bland the food was. And I went to a pizzaria that would have lost to Pizza hut in a taste off.

No matter where you go there you are.

One last thing- Mexican Chain Restaurant From Hell is Azteca. Disappointment is Guaranteed!

9:07 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Auntie, sometimes I live dangerously.

Walt, there doesn't seem to be as many dimly-lit places as there were in the 70s and 80s, but you are right they are places to avoid.

Donna, some people are salt people. I prefer sweet myself, but I've known people that keep rock salt around to suck on.

Weese, OK damn it, I'm coming for a visit.

Anon, I guess it's time I write an article about public rest rooms. I bet you can figure out where I'd take it...

F lee, I hear good things about the truck and have for years, but I still won't. Hey want eggs?

Auntie, love the new photo. I haven't seen you for months and I miss you.

CP, right on you are. Hey do you blog?

5:46 AM  
Blogger Colonel Panic said...

Rust comments are my blog Guy. I had hopes that I could buy this place from you but its obvious you are settled in here. I may have to buy the place next door and wait for you to kick the bucket.

My offer still stands...

7:30 AM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

I will happily sell this blog and all rights to it for a shinny new back hoe.

8:39 AM  
Blogger darev2005 said...

I know mexican places, authentic mexicans places, are tacky. Some of the best mexican food I ever ate was outside of Branson, Missouri in a little converted post office that was so garish it looked like Santa Claus exploded and Timothy Leary fingerpainted in the mess. Alas, it is no more. Was some damn fine food, tho. And Jose, the owner/cook spoke very little english. All I ever heard him say was "Hello" and "Good" and "Thank You". His wife Adriana did all the waitressing and she was always so happy and bubbly at times she was like a short version of Charo but with a less predatory smile and lots less cleavage. In my experience, the tackier the decor, the better the food.

6:38 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Darev, you mean there is actually good Mexican food North of Southern Texas?

7:50 AM  
Anonymous F, Lee said...

yes indeedy, I want some'o them eggs!

10:23 PM  
Blogger pril said...

even after growing up in SoCal and living in Arizona for a few years, I have to say I got the best Mexican food I ever had at a restaurant in Nashville TN, served by a guy of Japanese descent with a Louisiana accent.

Best non-restaurant Mexican food came from my friend Michelle's mom. I miss her flautas :(

5:31 AM  

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