Sunday, September 26, 2010

Directions, Lewis and Clark Style

Today is the final day of my skits. This was the money script that I still hear people talking about today. If you aren't from around here, I swear that these are the actual directions from Airport Hill to the Natel Grange.

Directions, Lewis and Clark Style

A couple find themselves lost while driving on Business Route 101 to the Natel Grange. The woman is driving and the man searches for the directions.

Man:
I remember the directions said to turn onto this road, but now I can’t find the piece of paper I had the direction written on.

Woman:
Let’s ask that man at the bottom of the hill. He looks like a local.

Man:
What makes you think he’s a local?

Woman:
The flannel shirt and the coon skin hat are a give-away.

They pull over. The man rolls down his window.

Man:
Hi! Can you give us directions to the Natel Grange?

Clark:
Sure can stranger! I guess you’re both heading to the Lewis and Clark Ho-Down…it ought to be a blast. Well the fastest way to get there is to turn around and take a left on to Fort Clatsop Road and go past Fort Clatsop, that’s where Lewis and Clark spent the winter. Anyway, that’s the tricky route because once you go past the Lewis and Clark Main Line you have to find the bridge. If you miss the turn off at the little Lewis and Clark bridge over the Lewis and Clark River, you’ll end up taking Lewis and Clark
Road all the way to Seaside. So I’ll suggest you go straight down this road and cross the Lewis and Clark Draw Bridge over the Lewis and Clark River. You’ll drive by the Lewis and Clark fire station #1 on the left and then you’ll pass the Lewis and Clark Water Department. Keep going straight until you come to a strange intersection. There’s a gas station on the corner. It might be a Mobil station, it might be a BP station or it might be a Union 76 station. It might even be some other station 15 minutes from now. It changes every so often, but don’t let that worry you. If you get lost just ask for the gas station in Lewis and Clark and you’ll get there.

Hey, don’t I recognize you from Lewis and Clark College?

Man:
No, I’ve never been there.




Clark:
Well then, right after the Lewis and Clark station you’ll make a right on to Lewis and Clark Road. That’s at the Lewis and Clark Nursery which is in front of the Lewis and Clark Golf Course and the soon-to-be Lewis and Clark RV Park. You’ll drive by the Lewis and Clark School. At this point you will be in the area that is known as Lewis and Clark.

Keep driving and you’ll pass the Lewis and Clark Bible Church and another couple miles down the road you’ll see the Lewis and Clarke Cemetery. Oddly they spell Clarke with an “E” “C-L-A-R-K-E”. I never have figured that one out.

Anyway, keep driving down Lewis and Clark Road and it will turn into Logan Road. Don’t make the mistake of going over the little Lewis and Clark bridge that goes over the Lewis and Clark River that is up-stream from here because that will put you on to the Lewis and Clark Road that will take you to Seaside.

Anyway, Lewis and Clark turns into Logan Road and the Grange will be a couple hundred feet on the left. If you drive by the other Lewis and Clark Fire Station #2 you went about a half mile too far.

Man:
So what you are saying is that we go over the Lewis and Clark Draw Bridge over the Lewis and Clark River Past the Lewis and Clark Fire Station, pass the Lewis and Clark Water Department, pass the Lewis and Clark Gas Station then go onto Lewis and Clark Road, by the Lewis and Clark Nursery that is in front of the Lewis and Clark Golf Course and the soon-to-be Lewis and Clark RV Park, into Lewis and Clark, pass the Lewis and Clark School and then the Lewis and Clark Bible Church and then the Lewis and Clarke Cemetery “Clarke spelled with an “E”. Then get off Lewis and Clark Road and go onto Logan Rd…Right

Clark:
It sounds to me like you have it. When you get there tell them that Clark Lewis sent you.
See ya!

The woman and man drive away.
Man:
I think they are way too into Lewis and Clark out here.

Woman:
Yeah, and you thought Idaho was a scary place.

6 Comments:

Anonymous auntie said...

Perfect, and those AER the directions, I do believe.

7:15 AM  
Anonymous auntie said...

look, i even misspelled a word for you in my post above. NETEL !

7:15 AM  
Blogger darev2005 said...

Wow. I thought the names around here were screwed up. We live on 7th street, which is actually O Highway. But in about a hundred yards it turns into OO Highway and also becomes part of 8. The prison is on Columbia Street, which is either N Highway or 32, depending on which way you are going. Luckily I can get there and back on autopilot and never have to describe to anyone else how to get there. If I thought about it much I'd be lost. If I ever make it back home again I'm going to need a GPS.

7:46 AM  
Blogger mark said...

I think those directions work perfectly. You might want to add some instructions for knowing that you've gone too far on Lewis & Clark Road, and are at risk of going to Seaside: When you go past where the dump used to be, you've gone too far.

6:23 PM  
Blogger The Guy Who Writes This said...

Auntie, I drive by there every day, you'd think I'd notice.

Darev, that's why I haven't been back East for 20 years now.

Mark, I did mention that and also mentioned you've gone too far if you go by the L&C Fire station on Logan.

5:31 AM  
Blogger Tango said...

LOL...and here I thought you were making that shit up.

9:56 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home